Even More Lines You Can Use to Avoid Men This Valentine’s Day
We’re back again at your favorite bar except this time, it’s Valentine’s Day. There’s Sza playing in the background and tiny sequined hearts hanging from the ceiling. With your second mojito in hand, you find yourself actually enjoying this love infused day with your friends, drinking your singleness away. Your friend looks over to you and says she’s running to the bathroom for a moment, the other says she’s gotta go too. Will you be okay to hold down the fort and and save their spots at the bar? Of course you can. You’re a big girl, and besides, you’ve got your mojito. So, off they go.
For a moment everything is peaceful. The buzz of the rum is slowly creeping on you and you’re feeling quite cute in your themed red-and-pink outfit. You allow a small smile to creep onto your face. You’re glad you didn’t stay home and sulk tonight. This is far far better.
And as if the Universe heard you being too happy in its cold cruel world, it happens. It’s a tap on the shoulder that you can just tell isn’t your friends. Or an unwelcome hand slipping itself around your waist as if they’ve known you for years when in fact, they don’t know you at all.
You try not grind your teeth as you turn to face whatever gremlin has made its way over to you this time. You begin the usual societal dance, him introducing himself and you politely say no. No to the compliments, to the offers of a drink, to company while you wait for your friends. And as it always does in this script, he doesn't go away.
When you find yourself in this situation this Valentine’s Day (which you will, because you’re hot. I just know you are), don’t worry. I’ve already forseen this tragedy happening and went ahead and made another foolproof guide of lines to get rid of that creep at the bar who doesn’t seem to get you’re really not into him.
1. My student debt is six figures.
2. You look exactly like my little brother!
3. He needs to perform a rendition of “Bop to the Top”, both Sharpay and Ryan’s parts, before you can consider him.
4. Ask if you can move in with him for two weeks.
5. You specifically only date Uber drivers (if he is an Uber driver, you only date Uber drivers with less than 2 stars).
6. You need him to help you shop for your high school graduation dress.
7. You used the wrong Bath and Body Works fragrance tonight and are too upset to speak with anyone
8. You need him to massage your bunions RIGHT NOW. *more points if you proceed to taking off your shoes. You win if you actually get a foot massage in public)
9. You’re only outside as a social experiment, you live in a cave up in the mountains and will never see him again.
10. You require a sample of his sperm for....scientific purposes.
11. You’d love to leave with him, you’ve been looking forward to starting a family.
12. The music at this bar is reminding you of the time you shaved your ex boyfriend’s back.
13. You really need someone to talk to about your ex boyfriend’s gnarly back hair.
14. You’re allergic to the sneakers he’s wearing.
15. You’re only looking for paranormal partners right now.
16. You had a vision and saw that he would flush your favorite VHS tape of 101 Dalmatians down the toilet.
17. Recite the opening monologue from You.
18. The pet cricket you recently adopted doesn’t do well with new people and you’re sensitive to his needs.
19. You have a baby tooth loose and you’re scared of it falling out by talking too much.
20. You need to see a printed copy of his SAT scores to decide whether or not your children will be geniuses
21. You work with the IRS and you’re actually there to tell him he did his taxes incorrectly and he’s being arrested for fraud.
22. You only can only date people who’s diet is strictly clam chowder.
23. You’re preparing for the next Hunger Games and really can’t have any distractions.
24. He seems like the type of guy who’s favorite avenger is Peter Quill and you’re more of a Loki kind of gal.
25. You’ve given up on love because it is the path to all destruction.
26. Deadass. No.
Happy Valentine’s Day folks! (Except you creepy motherfuckers. You guys can go to hell).