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You're Literally Moving to Alaska and Other Reasons You Can't Give Him Your Phone Number

Updated: Jun 5, 2019

If you’ve clicked on this, I know that you’ve found yourself in the same miserable situation so many women, including myself, end up in. You’re out with your friends, having a great time. You are minding your business, simply trying to enjoy the experience of being alive. And then it happens. Some boy (because this is what boys do) has interrupted your peace to give you some compliment or another that you most certainly didn’t ask for.

And at first you’ll be polite. You’ll say “no thank you” or “I’m good” but he wont accept it.

Eventually it’ll escalate, and perhaps you’ll even lie and say you have a boyfriend. But that still wont be enough. Because to him, you are already his and he just has to convince you of that.

And that is where I step in. I’ve been in your shoes many times before and have come up with a comprehensive list of excuses that are fool proof to get rid of the annoying guy at the bar who wants your number.

1. You’re moving to Alaska literally tomorrow.

2. You’re a part of the FBI and giving him your phone number would put your life in danger.

3. You’re a part of the FBI and giving him your phone number would put his life in danger.

4. You’re a part of the FBI and you’re currently investigating him.

5. You are currently pregnant with the coming Messiah’s baby.

6. You don’t believe in technology after watching too many episodes of Black Mirror.

7. The last time you gave a guy your number he told you he was Shawn Mendes and he was not and you now suffer from PTSD.

8. You’ve had too much dairy tonight which makes you unable to differentiate men from hammerhead sharks.

9. The ringing that phones make are too high frequency for your ears because you are part dog.

10. You just started menopause.

11. Phones remind you of the time in third grade when someone called your house and said your refrigerator was running and then the next day your house got robbed.

12. He might work for Sallie Mae.

13. HE might be Sallie Mae.

14. You constantly confuse your social security number with your phone number.

15. He’s a Gemini.

16. Or a Taurus.

17. Or a Leo.

18. You can only physically and emotionally relate to stray dogs, which he sadly he is not.

19. You asked your dad and he said no.

20. Your toes are all the same length and men before him have found this repulsive and you want to save yourself the heartache.

21. He is just so out of your league that you’d feel criminal being involved with him.

22. You’re pretty sure you just saw him on last night’s episode of Dateline and you’ve already called the cops.

23. You just got accepted to be on Teen Mom.

24. He looks too much like Harry Potter and you’re a Slytherin.

25. You are not a piece of meat that is his to claim and you would never give your phone number to some imbecile who didn’t understand that you had the right to say no and persistence was not sexy, but creepy.

May the odds of being left the f*ck alone be ever in your favor.

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